However, like I said in the first entry, I will definitely still be reacting to and sharing the media that I've been consuming. Lately I've found myself drawn to the post-apocalyptic genre of fiction and other media. All throughout this year I have been reading young adult dystopian fiction and listening to very spare and empty-sounding music. And, of course, a good bit of apocalyptic fiction and sci fi. This year, I read: the Hunger Games trilogy, Feed by M.T. Anderson, Article 5 by Kristen Simmons, Free to Fall by Lauren Miller, Battle Royale by Koushun Takami, The Postman by David Brin, The Scarlet Plague by Jack London, The Dog Stars by Peter Heller, and then Uglies and Pretties by Scott Westerfeld, the latter of which I'm getting close to finishing. I've still got Lucifer's Hammer by Jerry Pournelle and Larry Niven on loan from the library.
Of those I particularly enjoyed The Hunger Games, Feed, The Scarlet Plague, and The Dog Stars. I liked the first two books so much that I included them in a paper that I wrote for my Young Adult Literature class in the previous semester. They're both such excellently written commentaries and criticisms on our media-overloaded present society. They do what sci-fi does best: extrapolate on certain trends, project them into the future, and let them play out on that stage to show us where and who we could be if we let them continue. The Hunger Games shows just how Orwellian our society could become via the magic of television and advanced surveillance technology. Feed, now one of my favorite books, presents an America that has rotted from the inside out due to capitalism. The environment lies in smoking ruins, the animals have moved into the cities, and the rest of the world's countries look on in shock and disgust at what the United States has become--and all the while, every single person is distracted by gee-whiz technological gewgaws. That should seem eerily familiar.
The Scarlet Plague and The Dog Stars deal with slightly different premises. They deal more directly with the end of civilization itself. Jack London's novel is one of the first official post-apocalyptic novels, like Mary Shelley's The Last Man. It's rather short, but so vivid in its description of the utter destruction that the plague wreaks on San Francisco. The Dog Stars deals with the same premise, but it focuses on a man who flies a plane in order to patrol around the lands adjacent to the airport where his ally and dog live. The perspective offered in this book is much more personal. Obviously, there's a theme of loss in much of the post-apocalyptic genre--loss of the human population, loss of modern conveniences, loss of societal structure and government to name a few. But the main character deals with having lost his wife and others in his life. I would say more, but I couldn't spoil the novel. It's really quite beautiful, but not without the grit and resounding emptiness that will remind a reader of The Road by Cormac McCarthy, which is another incredible novel. I'm going to get myself a copy of The Dog Stars sometime. I'd definitely love to read it again.
In my last entry I wrote a lot about Autechre and their far-future, mechanical soundscapes. In fact, I'm currently listening to "Leterel" from their third album, Tri Repetae. It sounds to me like a lonely robot trundling through the empty streets of a giant, ruined city. The mechanical whooshing and clacking suggest the robot's movement and the warm, sad ambience behind it makes me think of faded and tattered billboards, rusted cars and buses, extensively cracked pavement on the streets, fallen skyscrapers and their steel frames sticking out like the bones of giants. On their Garbage EP, which came with my copy of Tri Repetae, are "Bronchusevernmx24" and "Vletrmx21," sonic sisters of "Leterel," exuding eerie emptiness and a vague, distant pang of loss that is centuries, perhaps millennia old. Another electronic album in the same vein that I've been listening to is Dead Cities by The Future Sound of London (FSOL), another one of my favorite electronic groups. This album more obviously deals with the post-apocalyptic theme. It provides a very interesting contrast to Lifeforms, the major FSOL album that came out before it. Where Lifeforms is literally exploding with bizarre, busy, alien life, Dead Cities wanders through the empty world that humans leave behind after destroying themselves. I say that they destroy themselves due to the fact that two of the tracks on the album, "Herd Killing" and "We Have Explosive," hint at it pretty heavily. I got into FSOL almost two years ago. I listened to Lifeforms a great deal, collected its adjacent EPs, and then listened to Dead Cities and its EPs nearly once every day, especially while at work. Happy stuff listening to the ruins of civilization rotting away while washing dishes and pushing garbage around. I'm a weird kid.
After writing that, I just realized how much I haven't actually shared on this. On my Xanga, I used to do that a lot more. Looking back at it almost puts me right back where I was, but other times I feel like I shared way too much. After all, what you post online never goes away, regardless if it's innocuous comments on some forum or nudes. On that note, I've been quite careful about avoiding providing the latter. Fortunately.
But before I get to that, I should explain why I'm so interested in the post-apocalyptic genre. Why are the ruins so appealing to me? Why am I so fascinated with the collapse of civilization and the drastic decrease of the human population? Maybe it's my introverted nature looking for some damn peace and quiet. I think I can safely say that the genre's recent increase in popularity has had some influence. I've been thinking about this and talking about it with others for a while, and I've found that immersing myself in these dark, bleak futures is a way for me to work out and find comfort with my own loneliness and loss. And it's a way for me to explore my more pessimistic ideas of the future. I hope that the human species will go on and evolve as it travels through the universe more than most things--please don't get me wrong. I guess, though, growing up has changed me somewhat and my fascination with this genre has taken up residence next to my love for science fiction featuring more hopeful futures. This would also explain why I love Last and First Men by Olaf Stapledon so much. It combines both of those parts of my science fiction worldview, projecting the evolution of humans two billion years into the future. Our species does indeed progress, but not without being beaten back by disease and war multiple times. No matter how many times civilization collapses, though, the humans still find a way forward.
I worry a great deal about the future, possibly more than I should. Not just about where and with whom I'll be, but also about the general state of the world. I wonder often whether I'll be living in a future similar to the post-apocalyptic books I've read. I sincerely hope not. Having witnessed the damage a tornado caused in the town where I live brought me very close, and I would really prefer not to have to experience that ever again. My experience with this genre so far has shown me that it really does not take all that much to knock over this house of cards that humans have built. In respect to the entire 250,000 years that our version of humans has existed, the last dark age is uncomfortably recent. It also reminds me that nothing is permanent, not civilization, and certainly not even relationships, regardless of what sort.
Which would finally bring me to what I've been putting off until now. A considerable part of the "loss" I've been working out by traveling through these emptied worlds is related to the last couple of relationships I've had. One mistake from Xanga that I'm not repeating is using the real names of people I've had relationships with, so I'll change them for the purposes of this blog. And to decrease the amount of embarrassment that may or may not find these people. Just like before, I'm writing to help exorcise these feelings, but this time I'll be more careful.
Sometime in August of last year, I met a girl who worked with me and got closer to her in the following months. I'll call her Zoe. I found her nerdiness and warm, trust-inspiring features to be very attractive. I arranged for her to move in with me to help with the complications in her life. I shared my friends with her and took her to school. This relationship somewhat mirrored one I had a few years before that, but that's way too old to talk about here. Zoe seemed wonderful. She appeared to be very accepting, understanding, and unassuming. However, as in any situation like this, one really gets to know someone once they spent a great deal of time with them. And, following suit, I began to see the cracks in her brilliantly crafted facade. As spring came, her own self-loathing became a bludgeon that struck me every time she had an outburst. On many occasions Zoe pushed me to tears, even when I tried to help her. We came very close to breaking up at least twice. Later, I found out that she was still in love with someone else and that was the final straw. I kicked her out of my house and then out of my life. My friends told me that she had talked to them behind my back about me and that seriously devastated me. I cut off all communication with her and walked out of my job without looking back. There were a few good memories, but the keen sense of betrayal and loss of trust overwhelm those. I have not heard from her since and hope that I never do again.
Unfortunately, the relationship with Zoe wasn't the only one that would fail this year. I entered an intimate relationship with a girl I'd been friends with for years. I will call her Madeleine. When I first met her, she bowled me over with her beauty, intellect, and kindness. I wanted her instantly. I can't describe her with too many details as it hurts too much and would not be wise on this entry. It will suffice to say that she became one of the closest friends I've ever had and one of the most important women in my whole life. My love for Madeleine only grew from that day forward, even though she was already in a relationship and I had to bury my desire for her. Moving away to college in Atlanta and getting involved with other girls helped that a great deal, but my love endured regardless.
This past summer, though, she was having problems with her partner and wanted to do something to alleviate the pain, to offset the effects those problems had on her. So one night she revealed her true feelings to me and bowled me over again. My head swam with the sheer improbability of what had happened. I couldn't believe it for a while. Not much later, she told me that she wanted us to be closer than we had ever been. I was reluctant, but she said that we had her partner's blessing. At the time, it seemed like I had a golden opportunity to be with her. Madeleine and I unearthed the deep feelings I had for her and I took a great risk. That summer she and I made some of the most beautiful memories in my life.
My last semester at college began and things changed. Her partner didn't want us to be close anymore and she had to hold up her end of the compromise. Which put me out in the cold. The feelings we had for each other were too strong to ignore and because of that, we held on to each other despite the changes in our situation. Just a few weeks ago, the last breakdown in a series of breakdowns that I had been experiencing over her ended things right then and there. I left her house without saying goodbye.
Through the storm we reach the shore
You gave it all but I want more
I can't live with or without you
I know she regrets what she did because she told me so again and again. I just wouldn't acknowledge it until it was too late. If I ever forgive her for what she did, it won't be for a long time. I don't know if our friendship can survive this. Time will be the ultimate judge of that.
Well I can see what you mean
It just takes me longer
I can do what you do
You just do it better
And I can cry like you cry
It just makes me sadder
It's really not easy to look up after all this. However, my life is about to change again: I'm graduating soon and that means I'll be doing some real grown-up work not too long after. I can only hope that the new routines and challenges can distract me enough. Knowing how much my mind churns, though, I'm not too confident of that. At least I deal with these things head-on. I can't imagine what it's like for people who run from issues like this.
As always, thank you to those of you who made it to the end of this. I'll be back sometime to reflect on more things.
