Susan, my life got kind of crazy after you left. I got back on the old OKCupid horse for the fifth time, with rather mixed results, as you can expect. Of course I knew by then that neither you nor Lalita could ever be replaced, but I needed companionship. I had to keep trying. After messaging two or three dozen women, I finally had a one-month arrangement with a girl from Murfreesboro. She was sweet and passionate, but time and distance (as well as some very disreputable, disapproving friends of hers) saw its end sooner than I'd hoped. A little later, I had a slowly burgeoning whatever-it-was with another girl. She locked her heart behind seemingly impregnable walls, but I enjoyed her company nonetheless. Indeed, there were times when I wished I were with you instead.
I know you can't stand her, but I still couldn't get over Lalita even then. But the funny thing is that I stopped trying to. It took me almost a year to realize that I could not delete my love for her. I'm sorry that caused me to be emotionally unavailable to you during the beginning of your relationship with me. But remember--I had told you everything before we started. You knew what you were getting into. At least, that's the impression I got from you. But is there really any need to belabor that point further? Especially now?
I imagine and hope that you're happy with your new partner. I hope he or she is giving you what I could not. Still--I wish sometimes that we could talk. I want to share my experiences from the last few months with you. Maybe someday I can. For now, though, this is the best I can do.
This past Christmas break, I looked in my email and found a message from Lalita. I couldn't believe it. There she was, after more than a year. I never expected it. I thought it would be five or ten years before I ever heard from her again. A small part of the reason why I answered her is because you and I weren't talking anymore. Cutting people off is the hardest thing I have to do sometimes. I hate it, but it's the best way for me to gain the perspective I need in order to process and to learn from my mistakes. Maybe when enough time has passed since August, I'll feel ready to call you again. I think that I'm at the point right now where I would like to hear your voice once again. I miss hearing you grinning that worldly, knowing grin of yours. The way laugh lines would crease next to your intensely blue eyes. I'll never forget that.
After some initially harsh, awkward, and halting exchanges, Lalita and I broke down together in a heap of gasped apologies and heartfelt, tearful forgiveness. I felt like I was washed clean of the guilt, anger, and resentment I had built up against her throughout all of last year. I thought about how you might have disapproved of me talking to her again, especially after all the horrible things I said about her to you. But I know that somewhere in your heart that you'd still want me to be happy. She told me about how she discovered that she's polyamorous and, more importantly, that she still had room in her heart for me. We gave ourselves completely to each other and felt so liberated for it. Lalita and I are now, finally, able to express our love for each other without fear, restrictions, guilt, or worry. I really believe I am experiencing the greatest love of my life and I am happy every single day because of it. I feel like there are rooms somewhere inside me that have finally opened after years and years of darkness and stillness. And, being poly, I find it so much easier to be okay with still having feelings for you too, Susan. I'll always care about you. I forgave you a long time ago. It's okay. I'm still here for you if you ever want to say anything. Even if you want to yell at me and let me have it.
Lalita flew me out to Denver almost a month ago. It was the first time I had been on a plane in twenty-three years. Can you believe she lives in Colorado now? She teaches math and cares so much for her students. My admiration for her courage runs even deeper now, knowing that. I always knew she had it in her, but now I'm seeing it and it makes her even more beautiful than I could have imagined.
Susan, when I saw Lalita again for the first time since that terrible night at the Mexican restaurant that I called you about, my entire body held its breath. I could not breathe again until her body was crushed tightly against mine. I drank in her physical thereness, every atom of it. I was ravenous for the feeling of her skin, her muscles, her bones, her hair, her hands and fingers. Never in my life have I wanted someone so terribly. I had to keep looking at her, just to make sure it was really her there and not the ghost who had silently, solemnly remained at my side through 2015. Even though I was with her, completely enraptured in my immediate reality--being in a new land with the woman I truly love--I remembered you and silently thanked you for being there for me in those difficult first months of 2015. You really did try as much as you could, given the fact that you were struggling with your own issues. For a time, Susan, you and I were actually pretty great together. I never discounted that and I certainly remember it fondly even now. Susan, if it hadn't been for your healing words and willingness to listen to me in those first months, I might not have had the strength that eventually landed me back into Lalita's arms.
The five days I spent with Lalita, of course, passed all too soon. While I was with her, I could feel myself changing. I felt alive again. Not that I didn't feel alive with you--I certainly did, on many occasions. The nights and afternoons you and I spent in bed. R40. And especially the days we spent with your kids. Those are memories I will treasure until I die. Thank you for those too. When I was in Denver, I felt like a new chapter of my life was opening. After the Bernie Sanders rally and the walk to the bus stop from the convention center, I knew I wanted to be there with her. And not just to visit.
Susan, I'm leaving Georgia. Just typing that made me have chills and pterodactyls in my stomach. And those feelings don't come without the strong twinge of sadness and loss from knowing that I'll be leaving Scott, Taylor, my teachers, my family, and you and your kids. I always knew that if I ever moved away from here that it would be for love. I guess I'm pretty predictable. I hope you'll be happy for me. It would mean a great deal to me to know that. Though I'll be far away, I promise that I'll never forget you.
I'm going not just because Lalita's there. In Colorado, I'll be able to express myself in ways that I couldn't while I've been here. I'll feel safer to be myself and I won't be cowed by the rainy darkness that's been characteristic of the South while I've lived here. I know you know how repressive this place is. Even in circles where we ought to feel safe, like in CFA.
Most of all, though, I believe that my best opportunity to become more like the person I want to be is by Lalita's side. Our connection is so strong and we're so close. I have never experienced compatibility like this with anyone in my entire life. I don't say these things to hurt you. I'm just so happy that I want to share my feelings. I'm becoming more open and receptive to new ideas, perspectives, and changes than I ever thought possible. I sincerely hope that you've found someone who helps you focus on your own personal improvement. I'm leaving the cradle and I could not be happier.
It's not a place
It's a yearning
It's not a race
It's a journey
It's not an act
It's attraction
It's not a style
It's an action
It's a dream for the waking
It's a flower touched by flame
It's a gift for the giving
It's a power with a hundred names
Surge of energy
Spark of inspiration
The breath of love is electricity
Here we come, out of the cradle
Endlessly rocking
