This is for Jane.
All these years went by without me ever really understanding who you are. Yes, we were young and had no clue what we were feeling or doing. You kissed me with your jaw clamped shut. I tried stupidly to jam my tongue through your teeth.
I didn't know you then and I know you even less now. And the reason?
I was so self-absorbed that I couldn't. I could not look at you as you in terms of yourself. I did not try to step outside of myself to understand anything about you. I pushed and shoved at you until you had no more space. And not for a second did I even barely consider how you felt. What it must have been like for you. I wouldn't leave you in peace. I'm amazed that you even reached out to me a year after it ended. That you even supported me and spent that day with me four years ago. I'm sorry for continuing to ignore your feelings on that day too.
When we were together, I was more in love with an idealized version of you. And you kindly, gently tried multiple times to get me to see it, but I wouldn't listen. I didn't get it. Girls really do often grow up faster than boys.
If I had really loved you for who you were, the whole thing would have turned out quite differently. I would have known that we could never work as romantic partners. I would have moved to save us both from the turmoil and heartbreak and chosen not to have a relationship with you. I caused you far more trouble than I realized. I'm sorry.
I blamed so much of what happened on you for years. But you tried that whole time, and even when you were moving on for yourself, you still considered my feelings. So I imagine, by the end of March nearly three years ago, you were just so fucking tired of it. Of me.
Six long years. It was time to let it die.
And still I didn't see it.
Maybe you knew me. Maybe you didn't. Either way, you eventually had to let go because I still refused to see you for who you are.
You are your mother's daughter. You're a Christian. You had the real university experience and it changed you. You're a southerner, and you're smart and insightful and kind. People who know you always told me you are the sweetest person they have ever met, especially when I tried to tear you down.
But even today, in the last week of 2018, I still don't know you.
To me, you're a stranger with a familiar face.
You never really owed anything to me. But I owe you an apology. I have no idea whether you'll ever see this. Maybe I should send this to you so you'll have closure.
I'm sorry.
