There There (I'm Going Nowhere)

Fellow Radiohead nerds will recognize the reference and then sigh. As well they should.

I watched a few films that helped the words fall into place for what I promised I'd write the other day. But we'll get to that later.

I took it upon myself to watch a few romance/relationship dramas on Netflix over the past few days. I watched Perfect Sense, starring Ewan McGregor and Eva Green, which is set in an unusual end-of-the-world scenario where all humans lose their senses one by one. The romantic leads undergo relationship crises that are pretty honest and those events unfold against the backdrop of a world that struggles mightily against the end of civilization itself. It's pretty much my kind of movie. Obviously.

I also saw Comet, which depicts another apocalypse, but on a much smaller scale. It stars Justin Long and Emmy Rossum (gorgeous, witty, hilarious, and real), and though the scope is smaller in comparison to Perfect Sense, the way the world the two leads have created for each other still faces a heart-rending annihilation. [spoilers] Seeing Dell's (Justin Long) world literally falling apart because he comes so close to losing Kimberly (Emmy Rossum) forever made me appreciate my friendships and the depth of actual love [end spoilers]. It's one I'd definitely see again.

Did I mention that I really like Emmy Rossum?

Oh yes.
 
The best one I saw, though, didn't have any science fiction motifs. Odd, right? It's this movie:

Copenhagen has a strange premise: [more spoilers] a jerkwad man-child from America goes touring around in Europe in search of his grandfather, ends up traveling alone because of his winning personality, and then runs into a fourteen-year-old Danish girl who, through her uncanny wisdom and maturity, gets him to finally grow up. The acting could not be better and the film made me care very much for the main characters, even though the male lead starts out being as horrible as a twenty-eight year old asshole can be. The fact that the film is set in a foreign country won me over almost immediately. I'm a huge sucker for romances abroad. Cases in point: Life is Beautiful, Like Crazy, and now Copenhagen. I can't help myself. The best part about Copenhagen's story arc is that it leaves what will happen to the two leads up to the viewer's imagination [no more spoilers]. The ending refuses to be feel-good in the everyday manner that many romance films usually are. The ending made me think about my own personal growth and it showed me even more about strong love can really be. It instantly became one of my favorite movies of all time. And I'd love to watch it with a good, honest, sweet, and kind girl someday.

 In each of these three movies, the characters do everything they can to be there for their lovers--even when they get upset, hurt each other, and leave for a while. None of these movies depicts perfect relationships, and there's a healthy helping of that good ol' human suffering that comes with love. I don't believe love would be what it is without pain. In "Secret Touch," a song Rush recorded on Vapor Trails, the lyrics say the exact same thing:

You can never break the chain
There is never love without pain

The characters in those movies I mentioned come to learn that in fits and starts and that's when their relationships deepen. And they move continents just to be able to be near each other. That's my take on it, anyway.

So, of course, unfortunately, I have to begin this part by saying that the past relationship I had didn't get to that point. As far as sticking together through pain and hardship, she eventually gave up. And we didn't even last that long. Just like last time, I'll be changing her name because it's the Internet. I'll call her Susan.

Back in September of last year, while I was trying my damnedest to put my feelings for Madeleine away, and failing at it miserably, I suddenly found myself trapped in the intense, blue gaze of a woman with long, brown hair and a curious smile. It was at my college's secular club meeting. I had to talk to her right then. I asked her for her name and whether she liked books. Susan and I were texting each other ridiculous jokes within the day. She threw my world into breathless disarray. I was still working on a huge paper. I wasn't over Madeleine yet and couldn't see an end to the sadness she brought me at that point. And I wasn't sure at all if I wanted to be in another relationship.

So then I did something I had never done in all my time chasing after girls and being in relationships: I made an attempt at being careful. Taking my time. Usually, it takes almost no time for me to fall for a girl and get into a relationship with her when the dominoes really start falling. However, this time, because my heart was in such a state of post-apocalyptic ruin (like in the December entry I wrote), I was reluctant to jump at the chance to get with Susan. I made conscious efforts to avoid touching any part of her and especially to avoid hugging her at any point in our interactions. Though she piqued my curiosity and a significant part of me ached to collapse into her and completely let go, I felt worried and like making up an excuse to get out of her presence because I was so afraid. She has two children and back then, they were part of the reason why I was so afraid of dating her. I didn't see myself as being anything remotely resembling a father figure and I didn't want to waste her time and become just another man in a long line of men who would just disappear from their lives.

But then Halloween came, and I went to a party and saw Susan there. I had come there with Madeleine and her husband and seeing them together crushed me harder than ever. So I got drunk, and before I left the party, I kissed Susan. One week later, just after Madeleine utterly destroyed our friendship forever, I sought comfort in Susan. I could feel the dam beginning to break. A few days after I graduated, she asked me to be her boyfriend--to which I had said no before. Because I wasn't ready. She pressed the issue, however, expressing her fear that we'd slip away from each other because we wouldn't be seeing each other in school any longer. Eventually, I relented. But I still wasn't ready.

There's always a siren
Singing you to shipwreck

Steer away from these rocks
We'd be a walking disaster

Just because you feel it
Doesn't mean it's there

There there!

I let her know from the very beginning that I was still healing and that the process could take a long time. She assured me that she understood and she said, for the first time out of many more times, "I'm going nowhere." She promised she'd stick by me no matter how long it took. I said that she was very sweet and thoughtful for the sentiment and her words, but that I couldn't reasonably expect that of someone at the beginning of a relationship. People have rebounds all the time. I didn't want this thing with Susan to be yet another, but it was doomed to be, despite our efforts. That, right there, is only one of the disastrous effects Madeleine's betrayal had on my life. Her destructive choices reached far and wide and ended up wrecking another relationship, not to mention several other friendships I'd had because I was once friends with her. I have very few friends remaining from my time in college because of Madeleine. I never guessed that she had the potential to poison significant parts of that chapter of my life.

I just realized that I didn't explain what those destructive choices were. Remember when I said that she was having trouble with her husband and that she wanted me to help her by getting closer to her? She was upset and jealous and wanted to feel something, so she used me, knowing very well that I had incredibly intense feelings for her. She knew that I loved her. That I would actually do anything for her. I eventually put it all together: her student visa had run out so she got married to extend her stay in America. Her marriage was critical to her becoming a naturalized citizen, so she stepped on me to ensure its survival. She took the easy route of using me instead of putting forth real effort with her husband to save her marriage. When I wore out my usefulness, it was time for me to go. I have not talked to Madeleine since and I don't plan on doing so at any point in the future, near or distant. In my entire life I have not suffered worse, deeper, and more lasting betrayal.

Now that I've explained that, the reason why Susan and I broke up will make more sense. Just this past summer, Susan and I attended a cookout with a local freethinking group and when she went off into the trees with a friend at the edge of where the party was, I became very worried. I've been with girls who did similar things and it was almost always to go make out or flirt heavily with someone else. I feared Susan was doing just that so I went over to where she was and very clearly put out the message that I didn't trust her. It wasn't her I didn't trust--it was just a reflex left over from repeated injuries from the past. Looking back at how our breakup played out, I believe that was when I lost her.

At that point, she had been putting up with my healing process for over six months and it was then when she decided she'd had enough. After I left to go see a friend up north for a few weeks, she broke up with me over the phone. She said she wasn't happy, and it was for the exact reason I had for turning her down in the first place. An ironic turn, but not a surprising one.

The worst parts about this are that Madeleine is still hurting me more than nine months later and that I won't get to see Susan's kids anymore. I really liked them and could, for once, see myself maybe, possibly, hopefully being some kind of paternal figure for them. And yet.

For once, I'd like to be friends with someone for a while first. I want love more than anything else in this world, but I don't think I can handle being pushed into another relationship again. I'm getting older and that kind of shit is past being tiring. I want to be with someone who gets it. Someone who will actually listen when I say "no." And treat with me with that level of respect.

But now, more than getting into another relationship, I just want a female friend I can hang out with. Someone I can play video games and watch Netflix with. A girl who's up for drinking with me and talking about everything and nothing far into the night. I really don't want too much more than that for the foreseeable future. A girl who would rock out to my Rush albums with me would be heavenly. But I can take living without that for a while.

I'll be as okay as I can be for the time being. I was able to reconnect with a couple of old friends, so that's some better news. Soon I'll have a real job and then I'll start reaching out online to find that new female friend. It can't stay this sad for too long. I'm only twenty-five and there's too much ahead of me.

This is the Heretic and I can learn to close my eyes to anything but injustice. I can learn to get along with all the things I don't know.

And More Than Eight Months Later...

Clearly my blogging habits haven't improved since Xanga.

This would be a problem, of course, if anyone read this at all. And that's what this thing has in common with the old one.

No hard feelings. Not really.

Without the constant pressure of impressing and satisfying adoring fans, I can take as long as I like to put a few words in. So it's not really a problem.

It's not odd for me to wax thoughtful during such late hours as these. Quite a few things have happened despite the fact that my life has decelerated considerably since I graduated from college.

Oh, right. That.

I got my B.A. in English. I'm pretty proud of it and I don't regret any of the effort and time I put into it. I got more than I wanted out of my pursuits and the gifts haven't stopped coming. The conversations I have with my friends whilst analyzing media have been greatly augmented by my education. The gift of critical thinking keeps on giving as well, but the balancing act between descending into deepening shadow and performing the mental gymnastics necessary to continue to look at the world in a positive light is becoming more precarious as I age. So I guess one could call my studious avoidance of the current rat race for president cheating. If he or she wanted to.

That stuff's mostly theater anyway.

I also left Facebook. It was like leaving a loud, bustling party as discreetly as possible, but without telling anyone. I believe that quitting it cold would offer me the most peace. Besides--I was on the last stretch to completing the second version of my Dune paper, and did not need or want one more distraction. Since I haven't bragged enough yet: my professor loved it. It compelled her to read Dune. That made me incredibly happy. I hope she's gotten around to it. I think I'll ask her about it sometime. Preferably after I've secured something more or less resembling an actual job. So I can have something to say about my post-college life that amounts to more than playing Fallout games and binging on Pretty Little Liars for months on end.

I don't hold that those are necessarily bad ways to spend my time. I'm quite tired of our culture's habits of skewing the values of productivity and leisure. In my opinion, life's too short to spend the rest of it dashing from one task to the next, trying to fill up the days with stuff. Stuff that would be deemed by most to be worthy of the time spent. I believe it was Tolkien who said that if we spent more time enjoying good food and laughter than pursuing and counting gold, the world would be a happier place. So, within the limits unfortunately imposed by our capitalistic system, I'm going to try to be happy by doing absolutely what I have to and not much else. What I'd really like to pour my energy into is love. And furthering my personal education by reading, talking with people, and experiencing life. That matters much more to me than amassing a large heap of money. Even though the cost of living continues to increase. The mocking bastard.

But back to the reasons why I left the website that's got the world by the things it Likes. Though I had been suffering from this effect for years, I didn't actually realize it until last fall. Scrolling through the updates from people I went to school with back when Pangaea broke up made me, at best, irritated and at worst, depressed. For many different reasons. Another picture of a baby dressed up in a Star Trek or Dr Who costume? No, thanks. Sigh. You traveled outside of the country and apparently feel the need to post every grinding detail of it? I really don't care. Sigh. There's no way you actually seriously think Wal-Mart is incredible. That notion in itself is incredible. And please stop inviting me to play Castleville with you. And, yes, unfortunately, envy would eventually get the better of me as I scrolled further down into manufactured disappointment with my own life. I learned three things in Social Psychology nearly two years ago:

       1. People like to be liked.
       2. People like to be right.
       3. People want to belong.

And there's nothing wrong with those basic desires. They're fundamental to human existence. But unfortunately, Facebook gives people the tools to go ham on pursuing those three desires and that's where its soul-vacuum flips on. My heart would sink every time I saw another picture of an engagement ring or a bridal veil. The smiling crowds and smooching newlyweds. That news wouldn't have hurt nearly as much as if I'd heard it from someone via word of mouth. It's the kind of situation where I would say "Wow. That's great," and move on with my life. But with Facebook, the party continues with the posting of hundreds of photos that hit the heart like a blast of microscopic flechette rounds. Questions like What am I doing with my life? and Tick tock. Why aren't you married yet? would materialize and flood me with more disappointment. Of course, I could hide such posts, but it was like living in a house with a major ant problem--no matter how much I tried to get rid of them, they just kept coming. And that's something to expect at my age. This is the part of life where many people get married, and that's a fine thing. For them. I hope so, anyway. However, Facebook created feelings of panic and despair that weren't supposed to be there in the first place. So there you are.

Moreover, I saw this girl I went to high school with in the same semester I was sweating over my Dune paper at a department store. As I had not seen her for about four years, I wanted to catch up with her, and when I began to tell her about the things that had happened to me in that time, she stopped me and said something like "Oh, it's okay. I know it all already. I've been checking up on your Facebook." I cannot even begin to describe the revulsion I felt in that moment. What's the point of us even being friends when you're stalking me on Facebook and not even bothering to say something? Maybe I'm still stuck in the twentieth century.

It's kind of funny how fascinated I am with the future, considering that when the real thing manifests itself, I find myself utterly alienated. This'll bode well for the rest of my life.

People unintentionally (hopefully, for the most part) hurt others by posting their lives' greatest hits on a daily basis. Who knows how many people felt sad about their own lives because I posted about the beginning of a new relationship or a new job? Nothing reminds you that the universe couldn't care less about your life quite like when you really sit down and think about the pointlessness of the whole thing (that thing being Facebook). I hold that we can create meaning in our lives and make it through that way. So, to me, by that point anyway, nothing I or anyone else posted meant a damn thing. When I finally realized that Facebook was doing little else besides standing in the way of my happiness and peace of mind, I had to leave.

Everybody leaves
If they get the chance
And this is my chance

I'll hit the bottom and escape
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape

Gamergate and the two catastrophic breakups I endured last year only exacerbated matters. Again, I could have hidden them too, but their comments on others' pages would still appear and I couldn't handle it. The world has already moved across the street and next door. Facebook squeezed the people who hurt me into my personal space and I wanted no more of it. So I left them there as well. And I'm much more at peace for it.

I filled in for teachers at the middle and high schools in the area to pay for gas, food, and a few Aphex Twin albums here and there up until about June. Settling into the changes in my life proved difficult sometimes. I miss being able to go out to lunch with my friends before my afternoon classes. I miss studying for Shakespeare tests with my desperate classmates. And discussing semiotics and cultural norms around the big table in the conference room in the English Department wing. I had the chance to connect with some very sweet sixth graders while filling in for a science teacher at a middle school, though I had only two days with them. Most of my stint subbing earlier this year consisted of reading at the teacher's desk and occasionally passing out worksheets or tests. The teachers with the good classes are very lucky.

I began my long return journey into fantasy reading by devouring The Name of the Wind and The Wise Man's Fear by Patrick Rothfuss and now I'm rereading The Fellowship of the Ring. I plan to finish the rest of The Lord of the Rings, to read The Magicians by Lev Grossman, possibly read Brave Story by Miyuki Miyabe, and then begin the Harry Potter books again. Some days it's hard to abide my science fiction books' languishing on the shelves. But don't worry, my pretties--I won't be gone long.

There's one more thing that I probably should mention that would bring us up to date. But what I'm going to say hasn't come together yet. I need the right words to fall into place first.

This Heretic is getting a bit drowsy cruising the shadowy, neon-lit streets in The Sprawl of cyberspace. I wanted to make some kind of cyberpunk reference, but seeing as how that fell on its face is evidence that I'm running on fumes. I'll be back relatively soon.