I watched a few films that helped the words fall into place for what I promised I'd write the other day. But we'll get to that later.
I took it upon myself to watch a few romance/relationship dramas on Netflix over the past few days. I watched Perfect Sense, starring Ewan McGregor and Eva Green, which is set in an unusual end-of-the-world scenario where all humans lose their senses one by one. The romantic leads undergo relationship crises that are pretty honest and those events unfold against the backdrop of a world that struggles mightily against the end of civilization itself. It's pretty much my kind of movie. Obviously.
I also saw Comet, which depicts another apocalypse, but on a much smaller scale. It stars Justin Long and Emmy Rossum (gorgeous, witty, hilarious, and real), and though the scope is smaller in comparison to Perfect Sense, the way the world the two leads have created for each other still faces a heart-rending annihilation. [spoilers] Seeing Dell's (Justin Long) world literally falling apart because he comes so close to losing Kimberly (Emmy Rossum) forever made me appreciate my friendships and the depth of actual love [end spoilers]. It's one I'd definitely see again.
Did I mention that I really like Emmy Rossum?
Oh yes.
The best one I saw, though, didn't have any science fiction motifs. Odd, right? It's this movie:
Copenhagen has a strange premise: [more spoilers] a jerkwad man-child from America goes touring around in Europe in search of his grandfather, ends up traveling alone because of his winning personality, and then runs into a fourteen-year-old Danish girl who, through her uncanny wisdom and maturity, gets him to finally grow up. The acting could not be better and the film made me care very much for the main characters, even though the male lead starts out being as horrible as a twenty-eight year old asshole can be. The fact that the film is set in a foreign country won me over almost immediately. I'm a huge sucker for romances abroad. Cases in point: Life is Beautiful, Like Crazy, and now Copenhagen. I can't help myself. The best part about Copenhagen's story arc is that it leaves what will happen to the two leads up to the viewer's imagination [no more spoilers]. The ending refuses to be feel-good in the everyday manner that many romance films usually are. The ending made me think about my own personal growth and it showed me even more about strong love can really be. It instantly became one of my favorite movies of all time. And I'd love to watch it with a good, honest, sweet, and kind girl someday.
In each of these three movies, the characters do everything they can to be there for their lovers--even when they get upset, hurt each other, and leave for a while. None of these movies depicts perfect relationships, and there's a healthy helping of that good ol' human suffering that comes with love. I don't believe love would be what it is without pain. In "Secret Touch," a song Rush recorded on Vapor Trails, the lyrics say the exact same thing:
You can never break the chain
There is never love without pain
The characters in those movies I mentioned come to learn that in fits and starts and that's when their relationships deepen. And they move continents just to be able to be near each other. That's my take on it, anyway.
So, of course, unfortunately, I have to begin this part by saying that the past relationship I had didn't get to that point. As far as sticking together through pain and hardship, she eventually gave up. And we didn't even last that long. Just like last time, I'll be changing her name because it's the Internet. I'll call her Susan.
Back in September of last year, while I was trying my damnedest to put my feelings for Madeleine away, and failing at it miserably, I suddenly found myself trapped in the intense, blue gaze of a woman with long, brown hair and a curious smile. It was at my college's secular club meeting. I had to talk to her right then. I asked her for her name and whether she liked books. Susan and I were texting each other ridiculous jokes within the day. She threw my world into breathless disarray. I was still working on a huge paper. I wasn't over Madeleine yet and couldn't see an end to the sadness she brought me at that point. And I wasn't sure at all if I wanted to be in another relationship.
So then I did something I had never done in all my time chasing after girls and being in relationships: I made an attempt at being careful. Taking my time. Usually, it takes almost no time for me to fall for a girl and get into a relationship with her when the dominoes really start falling. However, this time, because my heart was in such a state of post-apocalyptic ruin (like in the December entry I wrote), I was reluctant to jump at the chance to get with Susan. I made conscious efforts to avoid touching any part of her and especially to avoid hugging her at any point in our interactions. Though she piqued my curiosity and a significant part of me ached to collapse into her and completely let go, I felt worried and like making up an excuse to get out of her presence because I was so afraid. She has two children and back then, they were part of the reason why I was so afraid of dating her. I didn't see myself as being anything remotely resembling a father figure and I didn't want to waste her time and become just another man in a long line of men who would just disappear from their lives.
But then Halloween came, and I went to a party and saw Susan there. I had come there with Madeleine and her husband and seeing them together crushed me harder than ever. So I got drunk, and before I left the party, I kissed Susan. One week later, just after Madeleine utterly destroyed our friendship forever, I sought comfort in Susan. I could feel the dam beginning to break. A few days after I graduated, she asked me to be her boyfriend--to which I had said no before. Because I wasn't ready. She pressed the issue, however, expressing her fear that we'd slip away from each other because we wouldn't be seeing each other in school any longer. Eventually, I relented. But I still wasn't ready.
There's always a siren
Singing you to shipwreck
Steer away from these rocks
We'd be a walking disaster
Just because you feel it
Doesn't mean it's there
There there!
I let her know from the very beginning that I was still healing and that the process could take a long time. She assured me that she understood and she said, for the first time out of many more times, "I'm going nowhere." She promised she'd stick by me no matter how long it took. I said that she was very sweet and thoughtful for the sentiment and her words, but that I couldn't reasonably expect that of someone at the beginning of a relationship. People have rebounds all the time. I didn't want this thing with Susan to be yet another, but it was doomed to be, despite our efforts. That, right there, is only one of the disastrous effects Madeleine's betrayal had on my life. Her destructive choices reached far and wide and ended up wrecking another relationship, not to mention several other friendships I'd had because I was once friends with her. I have very few friends remaining from my time in college because of Madeleine. I never guessed that she had the potential to poison significant parts of that chapter of my life.
I just realized that I didn't explain what those destructive choices were. Remember when I said that she was having trouble with her husband and that she wanted me to help her by getting closer to her? She was upset and jealous and wanted to feel something, so she used me, knowing very well that I had incredibly intense feelings for her. She knew that I loved her. That I would actually do anything for her. I eventually put it all together: her student visa had run out so she got married to extend her stay in America. Her marriage was critical to her becoming a naturalized citizen, so she stepped on me to ensure its survival. She took the easy route of using me instead of putting forth real effort with her husband to save her marriage. When I wore out my usefulness, it was time for me to go. I have not talked to Madeleine since and I don't plan on doing so at any point in the future, near or distant. In my entire life I have not suffered worse, deeper, and more lasting betrayal.
Now that I've explained that, the reason why Susan and I broke up will make more sense. Just this past summer, Susan and I attended a cookout with a local freethinking group and when she went off into the trees with a friend at the edge of where the party was, I became very worried. I've been with girls who did similar things and it was almost always to go make out or flirt heavily with someone else. I feared Susan was doing just that so I went over to where she was and very clearly put out the message that I didn't trust her. It wasn't her I didn't trust--it was just a reflex left over from repeated injuries from the past. Looking back at how our breakup played out, I believe that was when I lost her.
At that point, she had been putting up with my healing process for over six months and it was then when she decided she'd had enough. After I left to go see a friend up north for a few weeks, she broke up with me over the phone. She said she wasn't happy, and it was for the exact reason I had for turning her down in the first place. An ironic turn, but not a surprising one.
The worst parts about this are that Madeleine is still hurting me more than nine months later and that I won't get to see Susan's kids anymore. I really liked them and could, for once, see myself maybe, possibly, hopefully being some kind of paternal figure for them. And yet.
For once, I'd like to be friends with someone for a while first. I want love more than anything else in this world, but I don't think I can handle being pushed into another relationship again. I'm getting older and that kind of shit is past being tiring. I want to be with someone who gets it. Someone who will actually listen when I say "no." And treat with me with that level of respect.
But now, more than getting into another relationship, I just want a female friend I can hang out with. Someone I can play video games and watch Netflix with. A girl who's up for drinking with me and talking about everything and nothing far into the night. I really don't want too much more than that for the foreseeable future. A girl who would rock out to my Rush albums with me would be heavenly. But I can take living without that for a while.
I'll be as okay as I can be for the time being. I was able to reconnect with a couple of old friends, so that's some better news. Soon I'll have a real job and then I'll start reaching out online to find that new female friend. It can't stay this sad for too long. I'm only twenty-five and there's too much ahead of me.
This is the Heretic and I can learn to close my eyes to anything but injustice. I can learn to get along with all the things I don't know.
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