Regardless of the quality of the anime, that song is beautiful and long ago found a deep place in my heart and stayed there, for better and for worse.
Its old context was my relationship with Jane, now nearly a decade dead. We listened to this song every time we saw each other. Dragon Ball Z was an anime we shared. We sent each other silly DBZ-themed texts and messages, wore the shirts, and even made Valentine's gifts for each other with DBZ characters and dragon balls featured on them. It was sweet, but kind of ridiculous.
After we split, I found it nearly impossible to enjoy this song. Over the next eight years, it retreated into a dusty shelf in my mind. Any time I stumbled across it, I felt an unavoidable twinge of acute sadness. When I was alone, I would weep for something long-dead.
In my last few months as a Math Fellow this past school year, I taught students who shared their love for Dragon Ball Z and Dragon Ball Super. One seventh grader would sit with me at lunch and talk about Dragon Ball Z nearly every day. At first I met his conversation with feigned interest. But of course, kids can tell how you really feel. I was letting my old pain get in the way of my present. He didn't know about how anything Dragon Ball-related triggered those feelings and he had nothing to do with it. So I just let it go for a few minutes and let him talk animatedly about the DBZ game on his phone and about all the different levels of Super Saiyan that Goku and Vegeta achieve in the new anime. We discussed the power levels of the other characters and laughed about Hercule Satan and Fat Buu and Team Four Star's efforts to create a hilarious parody of DBZ.
Throughout those days, I felt a positive change. I tried listening to the song again after the student and I talked about it. All my memories of our interactions, the strides Lalita and I have made in our relationship recently, and the joy I had from teaching my sixth graders in my afternoon class all came together to pull the song out of the ruins of my relationship with Jane.
Now, when I listen to it, I feel only the joy from the things I mentioned above. I feel like a kid again, but deeper and wiser. The time I took to rebuild myself through pain, suffering, experience, and new love supports the better life I made for myself.
I believe I've come very far from the time Jane left me and when I first shared "Ghost Rider" by Rush with Lalita after I first met her.
There's a shadow on the road behind
There's a shadow on the road ahead
There's nothing to stop you now
Nothing can you stop you now
I rode through the shadows and found someone I can fly away from the endless darkness with. And since then, I've only grown more like myself.
Dan dan kokoro hikareteku
(Bit by bit you're charming my heart)
Sono mabushii egao ni
(With that dazzling smile)
Hatenai yami kara tobidasou
(Let's fly away from this endless darkness!)
Hold my hand
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